One Year

So not only is my baby girl walking ALL over the place, and talking some she's also a whole year old! I can't believe it. It's definitely bittersweet. I'm thrilled to see her blossoming personality and to see her doing so very well in so many ways, but it's also sad to look back at the photos of my newborn baby girl this time last year and know that those baby days are over. But Bella is SO much fun now, and it's a joy to watch her discover her world in so many new ways now.

We had party for her at my mom's house. My grandpa came all the way from Kansas and we had some good friends come to help celebrate. Bella got to spend the day with her Aunt Rachel and Uncle Ben too so that was super fun.

She was blessed with LOTS of fun gifts!! Mostly musical. Fun cd's for the car, a percussion set full of maracas, a tambourine, cymbals, a triangle and other fun instruments, a puzzle and a push wagon, but by FAR her favorite gifts was a little piano that's just her size! She's already working on her Elton John impression. :-)

We had a big birthday cake that had a picture of her on it (thanks Grandma!), and I made her a sugar free/egg free apple spice cake that was DELICIOUS!! I liked it better than the big cake. :-)

Even though Bella didn't nap well that day at all and was SUPER tired, she had a BLAST walking around and hamming it up for everyone who was there. She's such a treasure and we are so blessed to have her in our lives.

Annabella Updates

Annabella is 10 months old! I can NOT believe it!! My mom already mentioned planning for her first birthday. This year has FLOWN by! Unbelievable. I thought I'd record a few of her milestones here in the past few months as there have been MANY (I hope I can remember them all):

1. 8.5 months - Started crawling forward but only toward something on which she could pull herself up to a standing position

2. 8 - 8.5 months - Started cruising (walking while holding onto furniture) around on anything she could pull herself up on (people included)

3. 9 months - Started crawling forward not just to get to something to pull herself up but also to get all over the place! She discovered there IS life beyond the couch. :-)

4. 9 months - Her first 2 teeth FINALLY broke through the surface! She's currently working on another one but no evidence of it yet.

5. 9 months - Decided she liked some solid food and now gets 3 "meals" where she mostly plays with her food, and feeds Asher, but if she likes it enough she'll eat a fair amount. Her favorites (green beans :-), raisins, chicken, buffalo, carrotts, sweet potato, avacado, spinach, and blueberries). She doesn't really like much fruit much except for blueberries. :-) And momma's milk is still by far her choice meal.

6. 9.5 months - Started standing unassisted for a few seconds.

7. 10 months - Can now stand unassisted for up to minute! When she really wants to ;-)... she doesn't do it very often.

8. 10 months - Started "walking" with mommy and daddy while holding onto our pant legs and peeking through our legs (it's pretty dang cute)

9. 10 months - Started clapping her hands!!!!! THE C-U-T-E-S-T!!!

10. 8 - 10 months - Says LOTS and LOTS of things that I don't quite understand yet. But she definitely understands a lot! Like, "no", "don't touch," "all done?," and a few others. She hasn't said any clear word yet, but she definitely communicates with us and makes her points clear! :-)

11. 9.5 - Started taking 2 naps instead of 3. Some times I think she's tired enough for a 3rd nap, but she refuses to take it. Most days she does great on 2!

Oh, and this isn't really a milestone by any means but it's adorable! She and Asher play together..... constantly! I really feel like I have two kids sometimes. They "fight" over toys! Bella totally knows which toys are Asher's and which ones are hers. When she gets one of Asher's she'll grab it and start crawling or cruising away as FAST as she possible can all the while LAUGHING hysterically trying to get away. Then Asher will come and gently pull it out of her hand and run away with it (at a MUCH slower pace than he ever does with us) so Bella (all the while laughing mind you) can crawl after him to them pull it out of his mouth! It's pretty darn cute to watch! Some times it's not so jovial, as Asher can pull it out of her hand a little too hard or Bella just doesn't want to play is grouchy about it.... but for the most part, those two are two peas in a pod! SOOO glad they love each other!

And one final fun thing, we took her to the zoo for the first time last weekend! It was a lot of fun, though she just looked a little wide-eyed at all the animals! It'll be a lot of fun to watch her when she's older. She got to hear the elephants drink up water (they were inside). VERY interesting sound!!! And she also got to watch her daddy feed a giraffe! First time for both of them. :-) It was fun. And we ran into some friends while were there! Josh, Lindsey and Cassie. Fun, fun day!

Just Let Her Cry

Wow.... that's really all I can say is wow. What a startlingly thought provoking perspective on the "crying it out" issue.

This is somewhat of a side-note but still related. The other day I was putting Annabella in her Moby Wrap (one of the carriers I use to wear her) on our way into the grocery store. As I was getting the car locked up and about to head into the store, a woman approached me and thanked me for holding my baby. I was very surprised to hear someone thanking me for such an innate simple thing! She said she was a nurse and that it just breaks her heart to see so many babies sitting in their carseats ALL the time (from car, to store, back to car, to doctors office, back to car, to post office, back to car, etc... all the while never being held). She said that human touch is SO important that my baby will be so much happier for the fact that I hold her, and she thanked me again. Annabella smiled at her. :-)

Wow... so profound. In an age when people are STARVING for community and connectedness and relationships and dare I say... touch, why is it that some can seemingly so easily deprive even the littlest ones of this fading commodity? In an age of people taking anti-depressants like candy and spending hours chatting online with people they've never even met half-way around the world searching for fulfillment and connectedness why must we continue to feed this monster of "separate-ness" and independence to our children when they're so young?

Will a hug fill these voids in peoples' hearts? No. Not entirely. Will holding a crying baby solve their every need. Possible, depending on the need. Will smiling at a stranger help save their life? Possibly? Who knows what they were thinking or what they were about to do.

I know more than ever as I get older that only Jesus can truly satisfy these deep longings for wholeness.... BUT..... He never meant for us to be alone, even with Him. He meant for His people to live in community, in relationship, greeting each other with a "holy kiss."

Oh that our culture would value people and relationships over convenience!

Start the New Year out right..... Go hold a crying (or not crying baby), give someone a hug, and give a stranger a smile!

Merry Christmas!

Make a Smilebox greeting

Things My Daughter is Teaching Me

During her nursing strike a few months ago, "Annabella, you're clearly hungry! You're sucking on everything but me! Why won't you eat?"

"Barbi, your soul is clearly starving. You're trying to fill yourself with everything but Me. Why won't you come to Me just for a moment and take in My word?"

Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to Me will never go hungry, and he who believes in Me will never be thirsty.

(John 6:35)

"Annabella, you're SO tired! Why are you fighting going to sleep? Just sleep baby girl!"

"Barbi, you're so tired. Please, come to Me and rest."

Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

(Matthew 11:28-30)

"Sweetheart, just because you can't see me doesn't mean I'm not right here. Mommy will never abandon you!"

God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

(Hebrews 13: 5b)

"Oh Bella! What do you want? You're fed, you just woke up, you're changed, Mama's holding you. What more do you want?"

Cease striving and know that I am God.

(Psalm 46:10)

But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.

(1 Timothy 6:7)

Oh Jesus, help me learn to let You love me like You want to so that I in turn can love Annabella and Nathan like You so love me. I know I'll never have the patience and the kindness and the love I need if I don't let You first love and take care of me. Thank You for Your patience with me. I'm ever so stubborn! But then again, You already knew that. :-)

Bella and I are more alike than I ever realized.

Bedsharing Nearly Eliminates the Risk of SIDS

Up until now, I haven't blogged about the different types of parenting methods Nathan and I feel passionately about, as I haven't wanted to offend anyone. I still don't, and understand that every mom is different, and every family is different. That being said, the more I research about the different ways of doing things and the more I learn about all the things we're doing, the more confident and passionate I feel about what we're doing. I often wonder if more people wouldn't try some of the things we're doing/discovering if they were more popular or well-known. So, I figured I would share. :-) If you know me, you know that if I feel passionately about something, I just have to share... so here goes with the first one. :-)

Annabella has slept in our bed since the day she was born. She's been safe, and has practically slept through the night since she was little! The first week she had some day/night confusion :-), but once that got figured out, she's slept so well! She does most of her eating at night, but she does it in her sleep and doesn't wake up for it, and I barely do. What this article says about the instinctual position of the breastfeeding mother is SO true! That is exactly how I sleep. She's super cozy!

If I had to pick the single best decision I've made thus far as a mother, it would have to be my decision to breastfeed. I feel as though I could write a book about it and so wish more mothers chose to do it, especially the ones that can or could with minimal effort. So, rather than writing a book, I'll try to post a few things about it here and there. There is so much I could write though, our blog might just become a breastfeeding support blog! :-)

One final thought on this article, this is only one of many I've found about the safety and benefits of bedsharing (but NOT in "mainstream" places); and in fact, one article I read said that the statistical presence of SIDS in Asian countries where bedsharing is the norm shows that SIDS is practically non-existent! And in countries where co-sleeping is the norm it's statistical presence is extremely high.

The AAP recommends that babies be placed to sleep on their backs with a pacifier in their mouths to help prevent SIDS. I so can't help but wonder if that recommendation was taken from observing the benefits of babies who bedshare and nurse frequently in their sleep. Oh how I wish American culture could be more open to the natural way of things instead of always wanting to force the artificial on us and especially our littlest ones.

Lifegiving

So Annabella is 5.5 months old and I'm just now getting around to blogging about her birth. Oh well... better late than never right? I will tie in the title of this post near the end. It's going to be a long one so hang in there... or read in snippets. :-) And do note, there will be talk of bodily fluids and processes and such... it IS a birth story after all.

I'd been having Braxton Hicks contractions for a long time and she'd been dropped for at least 4 weeks. Given all of those signs I could've sworn she was going to be early! Ha! Little did I know. My due date was the 19th of May, which came and quickly (or slowly it felt like) went. Nothing was much different until the 21st. That day I was actually woken up by some completely different contractions! They weren't very hard, but distinctly different. More like menstrual cramps. I've had some wicked cramps since I started menstruating years ago, so who knows how hard they really were, but they weren't very regular and didn't interrupt my day at all.

I had a prenatal appointment with my awesome midwife, Merrie, that day, and she said as she was feeling my belly for Annabella's position, "Wow! Your uterus is really active! Could be any day now!" That night around dinner time, I told Nathan that he'd better start timing the contractions as they seemed to be coming more regularly, with a few that made me go "hm! that was sort of strong." They were definitely regulating themselves, and by about 10pm they were about 10 minutes a part, but not consistently very long. Merrie wanted us to wait until they were about a minute long and roughly 5 minutes apart. Nathan went to bed while I chatted with my best friend, Annie on the phone for a bit, and then tried to go to bed. But I basically just laid there timing contractions until about midnight, and they were way to strong for me to really sleep and they were making me "think real hard :-)" so I needed Nathan to wake up and start timing.

I woke him up (which when he's sound asleep is no small task) and in his grogginess he reached over to grab the stop watch on my night stand and spilled my water glass ALL over our bed! Well, we needed to change the sheets and get it ready for the birth anyway, so this was as good a time as any. As we stripped the bed and got our clean sheets, taped on our shower curtains to protect the bed, and put the "birth sheet" on top (just a sheet we didn't mind getting bloody), the contractions DEFINITELY moved into the over 1 minute under 5 minutes a part mark.

At that point, Nathan called Merrie and she said, "Yeah, probably time to call your people to start heading over to the house. I'll be there soon." Nathan's parents were in Estes Park, so I think he called them first (not too sure at this point as I was working hard), he called my friend Annie in Michigan to tell her (she wasn't coming, just wanted to let her know :-)), my mom who was in Palmer Lake, and then my friends Karalee and Sarah. I'm not sure when she got there, but at some point after that, Merrie showed up to check my dilation status and to see how I and Bella were doing. We all thought I'd only be at 3 or 4 centimeters, oh no! I was already at 7!! We were all so surprised and thought, yay this is going to be short and sweet. All that to say, Merrie told us she had ANOTHER mom in Manitou Springs of all places was in labor at the same time! I was a little nervous by this, but Merrie said this was a second time mom (second baby birth), and that it should go quickly. She said she sent over a doula I'd never met before, but that she trusted to monitor and help coach me while she went to check on this other mom and then hopefully be back over to see me.

I don't really know how long it was before she and the doula I knew (the one who showed up was great! But she just wasn't who I'd expected), Candace, but they did. They said the other mom was in false labor, and I won the dilation contest! The other mom was only at 2 centimeters. :-) Well at this point the contractions were right on top of each other, no break in between, and VERY very strong. Some were so strong I thought I was going vomit, but I never did. Nathan was such an AMAZING coach!! He and my friends, and both moms all did so well at staying calm, and Nathan did great at keeping my mind occupied on some story or Bible verse during each contraction. He was my hero for sure!! But I think mine and everyone's favorite story he told was the one he made up about a saloon! It was pretty funny (though I wasn't laughing at the time :-) after the contraction I did)... I was having so many, he was running out of ideas.

Based on the strength and timing of my contractions and my dilation everyone said I was in transition. I though great!! The toughest part but the shortest part right?? Not for me!! Overall, I was in "transition" for over 10 hours!! Yep. 10, with no break more than a few seconds in between contractions. It was rough, but hey, I didn't know any better and was determined to do it. They monitored Annabella's heart rate off and on and she was doing great the entire time. So throughout this 10 hour period Merrie tried various measures to try to both help my dilation to complete (she checked me again probably about 4 hours or so later and I was only at 8 cm!). She had me walking stairs and stopping to hang on to Nathan during my contractions. So I'd probably walk 2 or 3 steps and then have a contraction, but I did that a couple dozen times. I tried the birth ball, but didn't really like it (LOVE it now for soothing Annabella though!). Merrie gave me different herb tinctures to help things progress, I tried every labor position you can imagine, went back and forth from the bed, the toilet, the birthing stool, upstairs, downstairs, and eventually I caved and tried the tub! (I don't like being wet, so I put it off until about the 10th hour). Also, when Merrie checked me and I was only at 8 cm she said my bag of waters was bulging and ready to break at any minute. She said we could wait for it or she could break it as that might help things along. I let her break it, and while it momentarily relieved some of the pressure, it didn't really help move things along.

So back to being in the tub, which was VERY relaxing.... SOOO should've done it sooner! Just prior to getting in Merrie concluded that I was fully dilated, my contractions just weren't changing. They kept asking me if anything felt different, but alas, no they did not. So at that point, Merrie asked me if I'd bought my chiropractor's full birth plan, which I had, and she said, "I'd like to call him." And I said, "go for it!" My awesome chiropractor, Dr. Davis specializes in pregnant moms, and is amazing at what he does! I hadn't ever seen a chiropractor or even known much about it until I started down this whole home birth road, but I am so 110% a believer in good chiropractic now!! Since I purchased his whole birth care plan, it included his coming to the birth if things were stalled out.

I'm not sure how long it took him to get there (time was totally oblivious to me throughout the birth), but once he got there I was SOOOO exhausted! I tiredly asked him, "is this going to work?" and he confidently said, "yes, it is." Merrie and Nathan and everyone really said that was the first time I'd fully relaxed throughout the entire birth. Apparently, my tailbone was out of whack, so he varied his work between my tailbone and my round ligament (the ligament that connects the pubic bone to the uterus). If that's out of whack then your pelvis can't open properly, and since mine was, my body was postponing things to try to get my body ready for pushing! God is so amazing.

Within 5 minutes of his working on me, my contractions changed and I started to push!!! He had already suggested before this that we move our mattress to the floor (no small feat in our tiny tiny room), but they did as we had me, Dr. Davis, Merrie, Candace, Nathan, and I think Karalee and a few others on the bed all at one time! I then proceeded to push in every position possible (other than standing I think), on the birth stool, lying on my side, hanging onto Nathan with one knee down and one knee up (see picture above! My FAVORITE one of my hero!), and eventually on my back. She usually doesn't have mom's deliver on their back, as its by far THE worst position in which to deliver and is one of the biggest causes for major tears, but after all those other positions, Bella was primed to come out and just needed the laying down angle to get her head all the way through. And I BARELY tore! Just one tiny tear that didn't even need stitches. I never even knew it was there. Never felt it, even weeks after the birth as it was healing!!

After an hour and a half of pushing, Annabella was born! Dr. Davis stayed and worked on me the entire time I pushed and left the moment she was born without seeing her. Later he said he likes to save that moment for the parents. His presence there was truly a Godsend!

The moment she was born, Merrie put her on my chest and she actually lifted her head to look me in the eye! Sooo precious! She stayed on my chest for over an hour before they did anything to her cord. They let it completely drain before cutting it so her body would have time to switch gears from living via cord to sustaining itself and so she could get all her stem cells! It took a while for my placenta to come out, as my uterus was so exhausted, and so I hemorrhaged a bit, but nothing overly dangerous. Once Bella latched on (she totally found my breast herself and latched right on!!!), that helped things a long. She was a champion nurser from birth and is still doing great! It was also such a blessing to have there Nathan's mom, a lactation consultant, and my mom who nursed all three of her kids. Including, my adopted brother and sister, and my sister was 4.5 pounds (I think, VERY small I know that), and has Down Syndrome, so my mom had just about everything working against her in having a successful breastfeeding relationship with my sister, but she persevered and successfully nursed her and my brother well into toddlerhood. Way to go Mom! Quite the inspiration when breastfeeding seems challenging.

I did pass out do to the hemorrhaging but also more from trying to stand to get to the bathroom too soon after the birth. I wasn't out for very long, and once Nathan and Candace who lifted me from a sitting position when I was out cold, got me to the bed I woke up and all was well! I slept through her exam where they weighed and measured her, but they did it right next me and she was happy and alert through the whole thing. In fact, Bella was wide awake and alert for over 3 hours after the birth, and barely cried the entire time! THAT made all the suffering totally and completely worth it.

The birth experience was such a blessing to all of us (Annabella, Nathan and myself and I think everyone there), but the benefits that were passed on to my little girl made every pain absolutely worth it and I cannot wait to do it all again! Words can't describe the moment we finally saw our precious Annabella, but if its possible to experience even a taste of the elation of heaven here on earth.... I believe that was it. Indescribable! I was so thankful too to be alert and in control of what was going on around me, and felt so blessed to get to feel Bella descend and come out as I pushed. I wouldn't trade that for the world! What an incredible blessing it was to get to have my baby girl the way women have done it since the dawn of time. I so wish more women in our country could experience birth in this manner.... both for them and for their children. It was by far the most empowering experience of my life. To know in the end, that I did it! Was the best and most accomplished feeling I've ever had.

So thinking of lifegiving, what got me through the most intense times of suffering was remembering how Jesus suffered to give all of us life. Truly.... though my suffering paled in comparison to what He experienced, I still could feel His presence more closely than ever before and knew I was far from alone in what I was doing... in what I was choosing to experience in order to give my child life. I knew Jesus was there coaching me along just as much as Nathan and Candace and everyone else. What a blessing it was to feel a part of something so much bigger than myself... to experience fellowship with the Lord in a new and unique way as well as to feel a sort of camaraderie with all the women who have given birth in the same way, even from centuries past.... amazing!!!

Oh, how I could go on, but I won't. Only to say that the lifegiving doesn't end with the birth, it only begins... or rather it began when I knew I was pregnant with the choices I made.... but still. I will save my thoughts on mothering as lifegiving for another post. I hope you were blessed by our story. I know we will cherish it always... and we can't wait for Annabella to get to help be a part of bringing her future brothers and sisters into the world within the comfort of our home... Lord willing.

I want to end with some words of thanks to my birth team:

To Merrie - You continue to be such a blessing to our family! God truly has blessed you with a gift in what you do for so many women. I cannot speak more highly of you, and your expertise. Thank you for all your love, wisdom, and patience with me. I could not have done it without you, and you will always hold a special place in my heart! What great rewards await you in heaven for your kind and loving service to so many women! Thank you Merrie.

To Candace - You are going to make one awesome midwife Candace!! You are such a strong woman and such an inspiration. Thank you for helping me through some of my toughest moments and giving me techniques that helped lessen some of those really painful times. Your presence was so calming and I felt so blessed to have you there. You and Merrie make a great team, and I cannot wait to hear all about the love and blessing you will give to all of the mommies you continue to help give life.

To Sarah - I so hope God leads you down the path to midwifery as I think you would be such a powerful witness and sense of strength to so many women around the world! I was so blessed by your servant-heart as well, and your willingness to do whatever was necessary, even if it wasn't pretty! (boy I was thankful you were there during that last part ;-)). I am so thankful God prompted me to ask you to be there. Your strength inspired me, and your kindness blessed me. I am so thankful this experience has bonded us together! :-)

To Karalee - Thank you for being there! What a dear friend you are and what amazing things we have been through over the years. No matter how far a part we are God has still kept us close, and I am most blessed by that. You have always been such a servant and so humble and willing to give, but never more so than during Bella's birth. Thank you for being willing to do whatever, for praying for me, and for rejoicing with me. I hope that one day I can become as servant-hearted as you are.

To Mom Judi - You rock!!! It was so great getting to know you better the weeks leading up to the birth and getting to hear your personal birth experiences as well as those you assisted throughout the years. I was so blessed to have you there and comforted by your presence. Thank you for your generous support of all of our decisions, and for all your continued assistance with breastfeeding Bella. God too has gifted you in what you do, and I know you must bless so many women every day with your expertise, your service and your kindness! Thank you for being there. I am so blessed to have you as my mom-in-law!

To My Mom - I don't ever want to have a baby without you there!!! This whole experience, the birth and motherhood, has brought me closer to you than I've ever felt, and I couldn't be more blessed. You and Dad have always been my number 1 cheerleaders, and it was so comforting to have you there supporting me, and cheering me on when it got hard. I love you so much, and am so thankful for your being there. I loved hearing all about your birth experiences and will forever be inspired by you.... by all you went through to give life not just through birth itself but through loving Ben and Bonnie so well and working so hard to give them the best start possible in life. Thank you for giving me life Mom! I love you!!

To My Amazing Husband Nathan - Words cannot describe how much I admire you! I did so much before Annabella's birth, but the strength (both in character and physically) and patience and kindness and tenderness you ceaselessly showed me during her birth caused my heart to overflow with the utmost respect and admiration for you! You truly are my hero. You never once flinched, or shirked away.... you held either my hand or ME throughout all of it, and showed me such love..... I still get teary-eyed thinking about it. Thank you for loving me Nathan exactly like you knew I needed to be loved.... and still do... I am by far the most blessed woman in the world. Thank you for always striving to be understanding toward me (even if I know you don't REALLY understand my craziness :-)).... thank you for believing in me. I NEVER could've done it without you! You will forever have my heart, my love.

To My Savior and Lord - Thank You for first saving me... for giving me my second birth, my new life. Thank You for blessing me with my most amazing family.... and for creating such a beautiful little girl for me to look after. May how I raise her bless You and bring You glory Lord... for all of this is for You! All praise and honor and glory be to YOU forever and ever. Thank you Lord!